29 March 2018

It’s been pretty much a good day today – at least compared to how things have been on average.

Today (28 March 2018) was my day off this week, and I think it was pretty productive. I slept early (1am) and got up at 8 in the morning, which is very much unlike me. But it felt good. I actually got out of bed at 9 or 10, which is very much like me. I’d been thinking about going back to Pasir Ris to see my old neighbourhood with mom, but that sort of thing requires advance planning, and 10 in the morning is too late for that. I don’t want it to be rushed and short; I want to spend an entire day there and relive as much as I can.

I went to Starbucks at about noon and sat there reading. I’ve started on Will Grayson, Will Grayson by John Green and David Levithan while sipping on an iced white mocha. It was really serene and I’ve come to learn to appreciate these slow, small moments in life. Nothing spectacular going on, no big adventures, but just peace and enjoyment nonetheless. I spend all my time in my head, running through the wild woods of my own thoughts, so it’s nice once in a while to find a clearing or meadow and just sit calmly there.

—SPOILER ALERT FOR ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN BY WILL WALTON—

Anything Could Happen by Will Walton was a bit of a disappointment. I hate to admit that, really, because I’d looked forward to it so much. And I think all LGBTQIA+-themed literature should be adored. But it really was a bit of a let down for me, probably because I wanted a sweet and warm, happy ending.

Tretch ends up single and doesn’t even come out to the rest of his family, besides his brother. There’s no closure and by the end of the story, Matt is preparing to move to New York, and Tretch’s father has cancer – no word on whether he’s getting better or stepping towards his grave. It’s bad enough that Tretch doesn’t start dating Matt – the title Anything Could Happen makes you think that Straight Boy could fall in love with Gay Best Friend, but that doesn’t happen. And on top of that, there’s all this uncertainty.

And not to bitch about it, but Tretch doesn’t really register as a realistic teenager. I love that he is delicate and soft, which is a genuine representation of some gay teenagers. But I think it could have been done better and more realistically. But that’s just my two cents’ worth. I’m not the one with published works, anyway.

I guess that in all, I did enjoy the book. It has the wondrous cosmic coming-of-age vibe as most young adult works about growing up and finding yourself. The story itself has a simple storyline, even if, I think, there was no real climax. I’m not fussy with books, I guess, and the LGBTQIA+-theme already has my heart. So yeah.

—END OF SPOILER ALERT—

After Starbucks, I went to get some home organisation stuff from Daiso and bought lunch for mum and myself. I managed to squeeze in a nap before cleaning the house and packing my room, then it was time for dinner. Throw in a few hours of studying French and exploring Czech (it’s such a pretty language! And I’m fascinated by it after watching CH for a bit.)

I’m working tomorrow at the clinic. I’ve been considering for a long time and I’ve decided that I won’t sign a contract to work there full-time. It’s too draining and it takes too much of an emotional and mental toll on me. It’s not that I’m giving up on my aspirations to be a vet, but I just don’t think now is the right time to work as a vet nurse. I’ve learned a lot in this month, and I’ve enjoyed a good part of it, but I really, really think that I’ve reached my threshold.

I’m proud of how I’ve done. I’m in a field in which I have no prior experience. I’ve learned and absorbed what I could as fast as I could (with much struggle) and I’ve juggled two jobs while reading and studying languages, and taken care of chores at home even despite being exhausted 24/7.

I’ll tell RT tomorrow. I have about two days left before the end of my shifts for the month, then I won’t be working full-time anymore. I’ve decided.

As I said, I need to take this half-a-year slow and work on what I need to work on. Yes, I’ll continue volunteering at the clinic. I’ll continue working at SB. But I’m taking it slow now. I’m taking care of myself now. I have to be in better shape for university, and I realise now that taking things slow is what I’ve neglected to do for ages.

I want to explore and be free: read, try new things, be with friends and family. I haven’t breathed in a long time, and I have to. I want to try volunteering at the zoo, at ACRES, at other VWOs. I’m keeping my mind and heart open.

I’ve been wrong before, but I think good things are coming. I just have to trust that I can find my way even when I feel so lost.

Not coherent. I know. 1.37am. I’m going to pack my stuff for work tomorrow, read a little, and sleep.

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